Where could one find a safer place than dreams to express socially unacceptable desires, to boldly try out new actions that the timid waking mind would never consider? What does it matter if those actions turn out to be mistakes or breakthroughs (or both)? In dreams, one would hope, there might still be one place where all sex is safe sex.
Well, fear not, I do not come to tell you that a rare African mosquito has been found invading people's dreams and infecting them with the AIDS virus. However, I did have a dream recently that got me thinking about the complexities, mysteries and paradoxes which may visit our dreams in the age of AIDS. Let me share it with you.
We are rolling around on the floor, this blond woman and I. I don't know her very well, but this is fun. As we play, it gets more sexual. I wonder just how far the sexual play can go, so I get more sexually aggressive and she is very responsive and willing. It seems clear that we are now about to "do it," when I get this strong feeling that I should produce some condoms or at least initiate a discussion of safe sex.
Oh, what a hassle. This moment just feels so good, so spontaneous and non-verbal. I just say the heck with all that. We keep making love, I have an orgasm, and it feels great. But now l'm sure I made a big mistake. This is not like me. I hardly know this woman and I'm certain I've contracted AIDS now. I used to be so certain I couldn't have AIDS, but no more. It was enjoyable at the time, but I feel sick now, like I need to leave and be alone.
The woman turns to me. She looks more familiar now. Oh, this is an ex-lover. She says she really enjoyed our lovemaking, particularly that she was able to take her own time. I assure her that the next time we meet, we can do so again, and I will spend whatever time she likes.
This brief dream had a powerful impact on me when I awoke. I suppose I could have simply tried to shake the whole thing off. It's just a dream, right? I might breathe a sigh of relief that this happened in a dream and not in "real life" where the consequences could be dire indeed. But no, instead I take this kind of dream quite seriously.
In waking life I feel I am quite prepared to practice safe sex whenever the occasion arises. I have had several good in-depth discussions of the issue in my Men's Group and one with the regional Dance Community. I see the issues that AIDS brings up as tough ones for us all, but important to push ahead and educate ourselves about, both individually and as a part of our various communities. This dream challenges my waking stance, suggesting that my resolve could slip in certain situations, that I may still have more work to do on this. Dreams seem to be particularly good at pointing to that edge where each of us can grow and do better.
Let me return to that dream for a moment. What is really going on here? Who is this woman that I am with? I'm not sure, she seems vague at first and I am intent on one thing: following that sexual charge. Oh, I know enough to be sensitive, caring, to check out whether she is on a similar wave length. But since I'm getting green lights from her, it's full speed ahead. And anything else just seems to be a bothersome distraction.
I think all men get heavy conditioning around sex in this way. We are taught to see it so narrowly, and to single-mindedly push for that one goal. Go for the "Big O." Don't waste too much time on "foreplay." Let's do it! I for one am very critical of that message and feel it can rob people of both loving process and also a great deal of erotic pleasure. I try to challenge it in the world and create a broader range of possibilities in my personal life. When I see those silly bumper stickers ("Dreamers Do It In Their Sleep!"), even though I may chuckle at a well-turned phrase, I am angered at the assumption behind it. Do what?
Although I may be critical of this view and feel I have worked to successfully change it in many ways, the early training is powerful and can easily pop up again. The entire notion of "safe sex" runs directly against this single-minded orientation. The awareness of what I needed to do at a certain point in this dream and the failure to act on that awareness is a painful disparity to me. Yet this dream offers an opportunity to learn about that disparity. The conflict in the dream is too much for me, so I blow it off and go for the Big O. Then what happens?
I notice two things. First, I flog myself for awhile. My inner bully is merciless. "You jerk! Now you've really messed up. You probably have AIDS now. And it serves you right, too! You'd better go off alone so you won't be as likely to mess up again, and where I can beat on you without interruption." This authoritarian top dog pops up at times, and I am getting better at recognizing him. I find that I love to tell him to back off and quiet down, that I don't have to put up with his bullying, and I like the company of friends even when I may have made a mistake.
Something else happens here that was hard to identify as I recorded the dream, but the feeling comes forth as I focus on it now. I am feeling some animosity toward the blond woman, which I'll try to give voice to. "Why did you just let that happen without saying something? Don't you know that it is pretty dangerous these days? Who are you, anyway? You're probably this loose with lots of guys - a real promiscuous hussy. You probably don't even care. Yeah, I'm sure that you're the kind that would give me AIDS." I keep these feelings to myself, but they are there. I want to get away from this woman who has seduced me.
Behind the fear of AIDS is the fear of the "other," of someone different than me. The tendency is to separate off entire groups of people and blame it all on them. It is the gay culture, or the IV drug users or those who are sexually promiscuous that are to blame. Or maybe it is the "opposite sex," whatever that means. We frequently project our shadow (any parts of ourselves we dislike) onto others who seem different, and scapegoat them, just as I have done
with the woman in this dream. This dynamic is at the root of prejudice against others and robs us of the chance of self-knowledge and growth as whole persons.
The dream is not over. The last part is a surprise, a gift. I have several good reasons to leave, but am still here. The woman turns to me. She is not so much the stranger she seemed. In fact, she is very familiar, even more familiar than the ex-lover whom I haven't seen for so long. Perhaps she is the woman in me, the woman part of myself, that can look me in the eye, cutting through my self-hate and blame of others. In the most loving way possible she tells me that I am wonderful and I can do better. In the dream I reassure her, but here in the waking state I just want her to hold me and say that again. As she holds me, telling me once more just how wonderful I am and that I know I can do better, I cry and cry and thank her and cry some more. This is the healing place, the breakthrough, at once a relief and an energy boost.
The power of this dream catches me by surprise - it just comes flowing out once I am able to open up to the love I have for myself. I now know that I can follow up on the dream by making changes and doing better, but this is easy, not the effort to stop making mistakes so that I will be loved. I know that I am completely loved always, as a whole person, mistakes and all. Here it is, midnight, and I have been sitting at my computer crying up a storm. The important work is done; the rest will wait until tomorrow.
Am I the only one whose erotic dreams have been so altered by concerns about safe sex? Or have others noticed this kind of change as well? I suppose that it is perfectly possible that erotic dreams will continue right along as they have for centuries, flying in the face of popular convention, and now, also running against safe health practices. Of course, there is a certain freedom to do so, but I must point out that the old habits are only getting more ingrained.
I can imagine erotic dreams as a safe place to really try out safe sex, to practice as it were. See if you can spot the tough situations or personal rationalizations that might derail your resolve, and how you might overcome them. Of course, I would like to maintain the pleasure, spontaneity, magic and plain old fun of the traditional erotic dream. Who wants to give these juicy dimensions up just for the sake of dealing with the "real world?"
In fact, erotic dreams may be an ideal place to work on expanding our sense of what erotic, sensual or sexual pleasures can be. These dreams already seem to have a much broader range than my waking mind does. The darndest things may turn me on in a dream. And isn't that what AIDS asks of us in the waking world-to broaden out a bit? And why not enjoy the process? Who says that safe sex has to be another dreary burden, a should, the awkward wearing of raincoats in the shower?
Let's see if we can appreciate hugging, massaging, nibbling and tickling, talking or playing erotically-with or without clothes. How about walking on the earth or holding a newborn baby? This is a new challenge, a whole different orientation than just going for the Big O. Dreams could be a great vehicle for moving us in that direction. Eventually we may find that we are having dreams about all the unusual, fun and erotic things you can do with a condom. Our usual ways of thinking about them is so limited, really. Saran Wrap and dental dams - there are all kinds of new toys to dream about.
I would be the last one to advocate any unnatural manipulation of your dreams just so you could win the "Safe Sex Dreamer" award. But now that AIDS is a reality, the old style erotic dreams are becoming less and less natural, if not downright dangerous. Consider the old puzzle: how do you know you are dreaming? Pinching yourself doesn't always work, and it may even be a further turn-on for some people. Others would say it always feels like a dream when they are making love, so those people could easily get into trouble. And in my dream, I tell certain that I had just contracted AIDS right up 'til I awoke. So just to be sure, I'd suggest safe sex practices in both dream and waking states.
Incidentally, the dream I reported was not a wet dream. I mean, there was some sort of climax in the dream and it felt great at the time, so I called it an orgasm. But when I awoke there were no vital bodily fluids to clean up. Does that mean it wasn't a "real" orgasm, that it was only symbolic? Or could it be just as symbolic with fluids and all? Would you call it a "dry orgasm," a "dry wet dream," or what? Our vocabulary on these matters is so limited, really.
I understand that the scientists who study the physiology of dreams have noted that when we are in the dream state the body is effectively paralyzed, but we get increased brain wave activity, rapid eye movements, wriggling of the toes and finger tips and genital erection. Everyone does, from the womb to the tomb, essentially, and it is not just because we have to pee. Does this mean that all our dreams are erotic dreams, but we forget that part, like some people forget the colors upon waking? I mean, maybe it is all really erotic, but the waking mind just can't grasp. No, I'm not saying all dreams are sexual in the Freudian sense, where anything can be a phallic symbol (except for certain cigars). I mean really erotic. Everything!
Of course, this is not just a topic for idle speculation. We need scientists who can give some study to the whole series of questions, develop a bunch of new terms to describe their findings and get a serious hearing. Where are the scientists when you need them? There is so much we don't know in this area. Whoever took on such a project would have to be comfortable crossing from objective to subjective research, ideally participating in the project themselves.
Since we are told that the spread of AIDS is just in the beginning stages, we can expect it to be reflected in dreams more and more. Are we, as dreamworkers, going to be ready to work with this in our groups? Will we be able to step back from our own fears enough to ask the dreamer, "Tell me, what is AIDS? I am from a distant planet (or from a few years back) and have never heard of it. Describe it to me." What will they say?
Were you to ask me now, my answer would be diverse. AIDS can be frightening and something l'd rather not deal with. AIDS is a challenge to us all to expand our concepts of what is sexual and erotic, to overcome our prejudices and accept diversity in others and the shadow side in ourselves. AIDS is an opportunity to take responsibility for our actions and what we need to learn to protect ourselves and show our caring for others. While we don't need to return to moralizing and guilt as a means of enforcing narrow concepts of what is the one right way for everyone to be sexually, AIDS challenges us all to reconceptualize how sex is sacred for us, and to reject superficial, careless contact with others. To me, these would be positive directions to take any day, but taking them seriously seems to have required a life-threatening danger.
These are the deeper archetypal or "teaching story" aspects of AIDS for me. For others they may be different. It may concern the fear of death and our own mortality, guilt around sexuality and pleasure, homophobia and scapegoating. In fact, AIDS can be a powerful metaphor for lots of different things. Our challenge, when we hear a dream, would be to see possibilities, but to ask open-ended questions that encourage the dreamer to tell us what it is about for them.
Discussing dreams of this sort is bound to bring up feelings of embarrassment, as it has for me, writing parts of this article. While it is important to let the dreamer know that they never have to discuss anything that is too embarrassing or difficult for them, if they are up to it, that is where new learning can often be found. In fact, at times I enjoy putting myself in situations that might be embarrassing or difficult just to push that edge.
I would love to hear your erotic dreams, safe-sex dreams, and even scary AIDS nightmares. I would also like to get responses to any part of this article that moves you. It is my hope that AIDS, while it has been a deadly disaster for many people, can also be a magic healing mirror for many others, and tha together we can create a truly safe world. I would be delighted to see this wonderful "dream community" continuing to discuss these issues.
